31 Days of Randomness - Day 3: On torn between choices and the hands of time

Wednesday morning. Torn between writing (as a good writer-wannabe should be doing), or cleaning the house (as a good mom should be doing), or just keep reading whatever it is I'm reading (as a good-for-nothing person should be doing early in the beginning of the day).

I'm torn between choices.

Choices, choices, choices.

I'm never one to make choices. What's with all the Libra sign and a condition of acute procrastinator. Too many choices to make, nothing seems to be better _or worse_ than the others, and then it gets oh so confusing so better leave it at that and think about it later; when my head is clearer, or when there's no sun outside threatening to rise and glare its way up to the morning hours fiercely (letting everyone knows that the morning is rolling and the time is ticking).

Time does tick louder after the sun rises, don't you think?'
I suppose the hands of time are a bit like plants. Feeding from sun lights, growing firmer and sharper with every bit of light it consume, leaving no room for arguments from those who still have doubt about time's power to move everything forward.

Arguments from people like me, who can't make choices.

31 Days of Randomness, Day 2: Regret

Regret is.

The unfinished coffee in the mug.
Coffee leftover in the french press. Stale. Forgotten.
Undelivered messages (obviously).
Message distortion. Failure in encoding decoding process somewhere between your grey cells and your mouth. Harsh words that you can't take back.
Nice words that you can't take back.
Dreams, premature one, never had the chance to actually form into shape. Not even a blur one.
Missed chance. Of course. Although, do we need to regret those?
Living your life day to day with avoiding regret as the sole purpose and motivator. No harsh word, you might never get a chance to apologize. No second guessing, you might never get a second chance.

There it is.
I've used all my 'being positive' quota for the day. Or the week.

31 Days of Randomness - Day 1: Another Undelivered Message

Hi you,
I hope this undelivered message finds you well.

I had lunch with a couple of friends yesterday, when one of my friends received  a news that her uncle passed away that morning, so she had to leave the office early to catch a flight to her hometown.

Surely the universe has a lot to say to me in this 'apparently not moved on from you' phase of my life, because suddenly my mind went back to you and our conversation a few years ago. I remember you told me at the time, that you would be staying at the office that night, because your driver was not in that day and you didn't want to drive alone because the traffic is so frustrating.

You were frustrated.
(Now if I recall all the times I've known you, I can say that you were always frustrated. Although you never want to talk about it).

'My driver took a short notice leave. Said he'd need to go back to his hometown. His grandma died'.
You said with a snort. (You didn't use any emoticon but I'm very sure I can hear you snorting. It would be weird if you didn't anyway, knowing you.)

'Oh okay', I said.

'Pssshh. Grandmother dies and he went back home'.You continued.

I didn't say anything.

'I don't think I care when my grandparents passed away. I  didn't go back home'. You added.

I stayed quiet.

'Who cares. It's only grandparents'.

'Right'. I said cautiously.

'You know what, I haven't even go home for 6 months. My mom has been nagging me to come and visit but I don't care'.

'You don't', I said again. It's not a question.

'No. I don't care. It annoys me'.

'But your Mom is waiting for you', I said. Again, not a question.

'Yeah, she is'. A laugh emoticon. 'Oh but who cares. I can't stand to be there'.

'Such an ungrateful son you are, I said'. Gave a laugh emoticon too. Because, of course, that should be a joke, right?

'I know. I know I am. That's why I don't want to have kids :)'. And there's the smiley added to your sentence.

Unlike laugh emoticon, smiley unsettles me. Two dots and a curve that tend to say too much because they obviously hide too much.

So I added yet another laugh emoticon. And despite the absence of sound, I think it was an awkward one. It was awkward because I think there was this uncomfortable feeling creeping slowly into my chest. Out of embarrassment (of what, I don't know). Out of the sharp pang of understanding silently dawn on me. A realization that you are a lost cause. And I am a lost cause for thinking that you're probably not and hoping against hope for it.

We are a lost cause. All hopes are gone. Or never there in the first place. The glass walls were broken and shattered. The wind broke loose, confused as it was and died down before it had the chance to break anything breakable or touch anything touchable. Chances never had a chance.

Of course, it was a message.
Something you've been trying to tell me without hurting your ego by bringing whatever it was going on between us to the table.
Of course, it's what you've been trying to say since the very beginning of our... friendship?Acquaintance? Something close to 'being in a position of knowing someone'?  A mistake?

I should have listened.

It took me years of faithfully nurturing a heartbreak, a handful of streaks of tears (yes, only a handful, and no, I didn't cried that much for it to be more than a handful, no, despite the whirlwind of emotions you inflicted on me).
It took me hundreds of back and forth between hoping and stop hoping, waiting and letting go, continue crying or start smiling, to finally understand everything.

Still, I'm not letting you go.

Pertama di tahun 2015

"Dia menantinya
dalam jeda-jeda hening musim yang berganti
kemarau dan hujan dan kemarau dan hujan lagi
yang datang tanpa jeda untuk membasahi jiwa atau mengeringkan air mata


Dia
telah
dan selalu
untuk pertemuan sesaat
merindukannya
dengan rasa sakit"


Demikianlah, postingan pertama di tahun 2015 (yang sudah berjalan sebulan ini), adalah potongan puisi yang saya buat sekitar satu dekade lalu.

Untuk pengingat saja, betapa saya dulu sangat piawai dan percaya diri dalam memetik dawai-dawai kegalauan dan menyandingkannya dengan rangkaian kalimat mewakili suara hati terdalam yang tak tersampaikan. Betapa saya dulu adalah salah satu pengguna jaring laba-laba raksasa dunia ini yang aktif menyebarkan pesan-pesan kepedihan hati dan cinta tak berbalas.

Mungkin, sekarang saya juga masih sepiawai itu.
Mungkin.
Tapi lalu ada 'bisa' dan 'mau', yang merupakan binatang yang berbeda meskipun masih saudara. Kemudian ada 'perlu', binatang yang berbeda, tidak ada hubungan saudara, tapi seringkali dilibatkan dalam rembugan-rembugan antara 'bisa' dan 'mau'.

'Bisa', 'mau', dan 'perlu' sibuk berdebat dalam kepala saya. Hasilnya kemudian adalah saya yang tidak menulis apa-apa.

Mudah-mudahan situasi ini segera berubah, dan saya kembali bisa menuliskan hal-hal tidak penting seperti biasa tanpa harus berpikir mengenai perdebatan 'bisa' 'mau' dan 'perlu'.
Tidak berarti suara hati saya itu penting untuk dunia atau memiliki nilai keindahan yang tak terbantahkan. Tapi saya rasa penting untuk memberi ruang pada hal-hal yang tidak bisa disampaikan dalam kehidupan nyata, untuk kemudian disampaikan kepada alam semesta melalui jaring laba-laba raksasa ini.

Siapa tahu alam semesta berbaik hati, menempatkan pesan-pesan tak terkatakan itu dalam orbit yang tepat sehingga mereka sampai di tempat tujuan dan diterima dengan baik oleh yang berkepentingan.

Kita tidak pernah tahu kan ya?


2.36, Senin dinihari