writing is a nasty business

"Writing is a nasty business.
Writing is an emotional struggle."


Quoted from me, just now.


And what on earth am I talking about?


I guess I'm talking about the struggling I'm having on the urge to write, and not to write. 


The ideal process (as I read from many blogs and books about writings) is that you need to plan your time to write. Make time for it, and set time for it. My attempt was to wake up at 3 or 4 am every day, sit myself in front of the computer, and write. And I haven't been successful.


Most of the times, the ideas come when I was in the middle of something, usually during my office hours. When that happens, the urge to instantly writing it down is so huge that it pains me if I don't indulge it. But I never indulge it. I usually just jot down some pointers on the idea, and wait until I got home to write them.


The thing is, that doesn't seem to work for me. 


When I finally got home and everyone is sleeping, the ideas were somehow, died down. 


They were still there, written neatly on my notebook. The urge to write them down is also there. But I keep feeling that there's something missing. 


It usually takes me almost an hour to be able to start writing down the ideas to be one, full, piece of writing. And I haven't even got in to the writing part itself. Just to start writing them down is a struggle for me. I have my pointers there, I know exactly what I want it to be, but I just can't materialize the ideas in the same way they first struck me. 


Just like what happened this morning.


I've written down some ideas that came to my mind yesterday afternoon. It came to me when I was walking out of a meeting, and about to sit on my desk again. I really had to fight the urge to instantly write what I was thinking at the time. I forced myself to grab my notebook and my pen, write the ideas down in a few pointers, and put the notebook and the pen back on my bag, and put my bag under my desk. I had to make it difficult for me to indulge the temptation to look at the ideas and type them.


It was really hard afterwards, to really get my mind from wandering and keep it on the documents that I should be working on at the time. I usually need about fifteen minutes to get my heart and mind back to where it's supposed to be at that hour, and caused me an ongoing restlessness that will not stop until I get home and sit myself in front of the computer again.


And that's where the confusion start.
Because, there's something missing. Something I really need to write the ideas. Something beyond pointers and even beyond the urge.


After half an hour of blank page, I decided to try to write something, other topics which draft had been developed a few days ago. I thought, that should be easier. But it wasn't.


I stared at the draft for almost another half an hour, thinking on how to really develop this, and at the same time wondering why did I seem to be so far distanced from the draft. I couldn't touch it. 


I had this thought that probably because my heart was not really there at the time. I wasn't really into the topic, not at the time. And that there's another thing in my mind shouting to be heard. Accidentally, while browsing through the folders in my computer, I found the unfinished drawing I've started few weeks ago. This time I didn't try to fight anything. I started drawing and drawing, until the picture's finally finished.


I felt much better afterwards. It's like some parts of the heavy weight has been lifted up from my chest.  


Partly out of curiosity, partly out of guilty feeling towards the blank pages, I tried to write again. This time carefully watching myself (honestly, I don't even know what I was watching myself from). I couldn't continue any of the draft or pointers I've made, and ended up writing this instead. And yes, having written this, I felt much better too.


I still haven't figured out what is actually missing during the time between writing the ideas down and the development of the ideas to be one full piece of writing. If there's one thing I learned is that I'm not really good at planning, or in sticking with it. And though it is a lesson learned, I don't think it's a good thing.


It would be great to know if anyone out there having the same problem with the one I'm having here, and whether there is a cure to that.




Bintaro, early in the morning
-Annisa, somewhere in between confusion and desperation-