Flow

My taichi instructor used to tell me during our exercises that if it hurts, than you're not doing it right.

He said, it's not supposed to hurt.

If it hurts, that means you're fighting something.
If it hurts, that means you're fighting the flow, fighting the way your body works.
He said again, I just need to go as far as my body allows. Move as my body allows.

Recently, the words came back to me like a wave. And I don't know if I had drown in realization already, or just, simply, drowning.

my emotional excess

Been quite some time since the last time I wrote in this blog.

I've been spending my time more drawing and I don't know why.

I usually wait until the emotional excess becomes unbearable before finally sat myself down in front of the computer and start writing. Simply because there will be nothing else I can do but writing, if I want to keep my sanity intact. This time, however, it doesn't seem to work that way.

All the emotions are welling up, but I just couldn't make my self to form a sentence. It's as if words have failed me, more than ever.

Right now, I'm in the middle of that chaotic emotions, perfectly developed into a quiet dark clouds ready to burst into storms inside me. Some of the emotions I can recognize, some are completely new and strange. And I have a feeling that writing it down would be very scary. I still have to do that sooner or later, but right now I think the wisest thing to do is to grab a pencil and a sheet of paper, and start drawing. Anything but words.

I feel so scared that I just want to hide my head under the pillow and sleep. But I know it will only get worse tomorrow if I don't deal with it. So this blog post is simply to loosen up myself a bit before scratching anything on paper.

If you're one of the people like me who have too many relentless thoughts in their head, you'd know what I'm talking about. And if you're not, then perhaps you'd be thinking that you're reading a crazy girl's diary, which is actually fine by me. But really, if you are one of those like me, please send me your silent prayer that I'll be just fine.

I really need it.

Thanks.

Misunderstood

Dear world,

This is one of those moments when punching a solid wall seems to be an appropriate, justified action, for the sake of sanity.

I can almost see myself listing down a few things as justifications before walking to the nearest wall here inside my house and land a punch wholeheartedly to it. Bruised knuckles are expected. But for a moment it felt like worth it. All the reasons I'd listed down, seemed to deserve the bruised knuckles. Just like the innocent walls deserve a punch, simply for standing there solid, calm and composed, unmoved by the struggling I'm having right in front of their faces. 

If, walls ever have faces.

The thing is, they don't. And that negates all the reasons I was about to list down earlier. And finally cancelled it because, well simply, because walls are innocent.

Dear world,

I never wish I'm not who I am now. I've learned to love being who I truly am, accepting the fact that I might have to live the rest of my life being misunderstood by people around me. 

To those who don't, I really thank you all. And I'm really grateful to God for letting me to have such people like you around me, though there aren't many of you out there.

To those who do, I don't blame you. You are just as innocent as the walls. You cannot be guilty for standing there solid and confident, believing what you believe and seeing the world through your eyes. It's your eyes anyway. You cannot possibly guilty either for being ignorant to the fact that there are other humankind seeing the world through different eyes. The same world, just through different eyes. Or, to be more precise, different from yours. 

Dear world, 

I know it's never about who's to blame. And I never wish for the world to be different. 

I just wish that it wouldn't hurt so much to be misunderstood.