Saturday, September 22, 2012

My Mind

I planned to work, but then I opened my blogger account. There were also days when I planned to draw or write, but then stuck with the office email and started to develop a document, happily.

Sometimes I don't understand the way my mind works. It seems like it has a life of its own.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Another solitude deprived moment

One of those days when everything is just too much; the works, the people, the emotion, the dreams. I needed to grab a pencil and a paper and find a quiet corner. But I couldn't

I just realized that I can't draw anything or write anything when there's someone around, even if it's my own Mom reading or watching TV on the other room. I found out that I need to be alone when doing these things that I consider as releasing my emotional excess. Alone as in no one around me to realize what I'm doing. This is very important since what I'm doing (when drawing or writing) is basically pouring out my real self on to the paper and it's a very private moment for me that I find it irritating when someone finds out.

It's not that I have that much insecurity, but I just don't like it when people see too much of me.

At the office it's much easier. I could just draw whenever I have spare time, on my desk, not minding people walking back and forth around me. I've been thinking about it and wondering why. I guess perhaps it's because I know no one there really cares what I'm doing. Even if they found me drawing something they probably just think that I'm bored with the work and try to find distraction. 

At home, everything is more personal. And it really frustrates me how I can't do anything when I'm in the just right environment to do it.

These are some of the mandalas  I drew when I'm at the office.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

my emotional excess

Been quite some time since the last time I wrote in this blog.

I've been spending my time more drawing and I don't know why.

I usually wait until the emotional excess becomes unbearable before finally sat myself down in front of the computer and start writing. Simply because there will be nothing else I can do but writing, if I want to keep my sanity intact. This time, however, it doesn't seem to work that way.

All the emotions are welling up, but I just couldn't make my self to form a sentence. It's as if words have failed me, more than ever.

Right now, I'm in the middle of that chaotic emotions, perfectly developed into a quiet dark clouds ready to burst into storms inside me. Some of the emotions I can recognize, some are completely new and strange. And I have a feeling that writing it down would be very scary. I still have to do that sooner or later, but right now I think the wisest thing to do is to grab a pencil and a sheet of paper, and start drawing. Anything but words.

I feel so scared that I just want to hide my head under the pillow and sleep. But I know it will only get worse tomorrow if I don't deal with it. So this blog post is simply to loosen up myself a bit before scratching anything on paper.

If you're one of the people like me who have too many relentless thoughts in their head, you'd know what I'm talking about. And if you're not, then perhaps you'd be thinking that you're reading a crazy girl's diary, which is actually fine by me. But really, if you are one of those like me, please send me your silent prayer that I'll be just fine.

I really need it.