Saturday, October 1, 2011

at my worst

I am at my worst.

The slightest touch makes me want to hit the person who touches me.

The casual conversation felt like the sound of independence day celebration and I want to shriek like a banshee so people can finally shut up. Or just talk silently.

The simplest question felt like an intimidating interrogation and I really have no answer to any of those. Even if it's just something in the line of have I had my lunch or what to eat for dinner.

I can't even make myself to reply the comments on my Facebook.

I am that horrible when I'm having a meltdown.

I can't meet people. I can't be around other people, even if it's my own family. I don't talk and I don't answer questions. Even if I would, it would be very difficult to do. It's as if my brain suddenly functions in different mode. The normal encoding-decoding process somehow just doesn't work. It suddenly uses different encrypting system and anything comes from external felt strange and unintelligible.

I've learned to accept this. I've grown to accept the periodical occurrence and adapt to it.

So here I am now sitting in my room, having a cup of green jasmine tea. One of the few things that can calm me down at times like this.

And as if in cue, I received an email from my boss asking me to do some work tonight, and an invitation from the people in my block for dinner. For certain reasons, both are things I couldn't and shouldn't turn down.

Hasn't it always been like this?
Just when you thought you couldn't go further with your emotional breakdown, such things appear out of nowhere and forcefully pulling you out from your comfortable solitary shell.

But, really, dear Universe, I've nothing against it.

Maybe I'm feeling like dragging myself out of the house right now. But this is nothing, because I'm still alive here, typing my heart out in my comfortable room with a cup of that lovely green tea, a full stomach, and sleepy eyes. 

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