Thursday, June 4, 2015

31 Days of Randomness - Day 1: Another Undelivered Message

Hi you,
I hope this undelivered message finds you well.

I had lunch with a couple of friends yesterday, when one of my friends received  a news that her uncle passed away that morning, so she had to leave the office early to catch a flight to her hometown.

Surely the universe has a lot to say to me in this 'apparently not moved on from you' phase of my life, because suddenly my mind went back to you and our conversation a few years ago. I remember you told me at the time, that you would be staying at the office that night, because your driver was not in that day and you didn't want to drive alone because the traffic is so frustrating.

You were frustrated.
(Now if I recall all the times I've known you, I can say that you were always frustrated. Although you never want to talk about it).

'My driver took a short notice leave. Said he'd need to go back to his hometown. His grandma died'.
You said with a snort. (You didn't use any emoticon but I'm very sure I can hear you snorting. It would be weird if you didn't anyway, knowing you.)

'Oh okay', I said.

'Pssshh. Grandmother dies and he went back home'.You continued.

I didn't say anything.

'I don't think I care when my grandparents passed away. I  didn't go back home'. You added.

I stayed quiet.

'Who cares. It's only grandparents'.

'Right'. I said cautiously.

'You know what, I haven't even go home for 6 months. My mom has been nagging me to come and visit but I don't care'.

'You don't', I said again. It's not a question.

'No. I don't care. It annoys me'.

'But your Mom is waiting for you', I said. Again, not a question.

'Yeah, she is'. A laugh emoticon. 'Oh but who cares. I can't stand to be there'.

'Such an ungrateful son you are, I said'. Gave a laugh emoticon too. Because, of course, that should be a joke, right?

'I know. I know I am. That's why I don't want to have kids :)'. And there's the smiley added to your sentence.

Unlike laugh emoticon, smiley unsettles me. Two dots and a curve that tend to say too much because they obviously hide too much.

So I added yet another laugh emoticon. And despite the absence of sound, I think it was an awkward one. It was awkward because I think there was this uncomfortable feeling creeping slowly into my chest. Out of embarrassment (of what, I don't know). Out of the sharp pang of understanding silently dawn on me. A realization that you are a lost cause. And I am a lost cause for thinking that you're probably not and hoping against hope for it.

We are a lost cause. All hopes are gone. Or never there in the first place. The glass walls were broken and shattered. The wind broke loose, confused as it was and died down before it had the chance to break anything breakable or touch anything touchable. Chances never had a chance.

Of course, it was a message.
Something you've been trying to tell me without hurting your ego by bringing whatever it was going on between us to the table.
Of course, it's what you've been trying to say since the very beginning of our... friendship?Acquaintance? Something close to 'being in a position of knowing someone'?  A mistake?

I should have listened.

It took me years of faithfully nurturing a heartbreak, a handful of streaks of tears (yes, only a handful, and no, I didn't cried that much for it to be more than a handful, no, despite the whirlwind of emotions you inflicted on me).
It took me hundreds of back and forth between hoping and stop hoping, waiting and letting go, continue crying or start smiling, to finally understand everything.

Still, I'm not letting you go.

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