incoherent

I went to work this morning with more than half of my heart was still left at home. I think I’ve left them somewhere close with my sketchbook and coloring pencils, near the unfinished drawing I started last night.

I try to calm down and prepare myself for the one and a half hour trip getting to the office. I put on my earphone, playing Putumayo playlist, hoping to sooth the restlessness in me. I sat myself at the last row in the bus, right next to a window. It’s my favorite place because it shields me from the chaos inside the too crowded bus. I turned my iPod volume to the max, and opened a book. I was distracted, but not that much to help me completely forget the restlessness.  After a while I finally gave up and closed the book, thinking that perhaps this is one of those moments where it’s better to be quiet and still, to let the busy brain stop talking for a while and let silence occupy your head.

At times like this, I cannot help but wonder. Have I been ungrateful with the life I’m having now? I ask myself the question over and over again while watching, from the window of the rusty bus, a number of street vendors running on the street, trying to get into the moving buses. In front of me was an old man I usually see wandering about at the train station piggybacking his adolescent retarded son. While passing the intersection, I caught a glimpse of a street singer standing at the pavement, watching the buses go by, looking disappointed. It seems they were also trying to get into the bus but failed to cross the street, hampered by a bunch of motorcycles.

I know and I’m sure that I’m far from being ungrateful. I’m more than glad that I have a place every day to go to work for. And every day I pray for those people I meet on the street, wishing a better life for them. But this restlessness, these voices calling from somewhere inside of me, is not something I can ignore. It’s getting more and more unbearable every day. It’s something I know I’d have to follow.

I wrote this post once I got the the office, still having no clear idea on how to deal with it. 

So dear people, sorry for giving you more clouds :)

I need a help here.