Probably you're sad. Probably you're happy. Probably you're missing someone. Probably you're anxious. Probably you're disappointed.
Be grateful, as they only show that your heart is still intact.
-Pidi Baiq, my all time favorite tweeter-
I've always thought of sadness as disturbance to a supposed to be perfect, happy life.
It's poisonous, and like a disease, it eats you from the inside. You don't want to be anywhere near it, since its negative energy, silent as it may seems, reaches out to its surrounding, to the farthest distance possible. Its invisible claws haunting you, its nasty breath hovering on your back, making you feeling the feeling of never ending anticipation of what might come next and would it be sadness?
It reminded me of dementor.
And I despised it.
I despised the way it makes me feel.
I despised the way it caught my breath and suffocated me. The way it takes words from my mouth and leave me speechless.
I despised the way it makes me crawl on the bed and cry myself to sleep.
I despised the way it makes me feel like there's a constant lacking in my life, for I cannot smile on a sunny day, and I cannot laugh when the world is roaring with laughter.
I despised the way it makes me feel imperfect.
But over time I realized, that it might not always be the case.
I learned what perfect means. I learned what laughter means. I learned what happiness means. And though I will still have to continue learning for there's just so many things I don't understand about life, I learned a few things.
Sadness is haunting.
It won't stop on your front door. It will keep on knocking until you open the door. It will come inside without invitation, sitting in your living room, quietly absorbing everything that is you. There's nothing you can do to stop it from appearing every now and then around you. Running away from it will not do you any good either.
So don't. No need to.
No need to run away from sadness, the way you run from dementors.
No need to push yourself to create happiness, they way we should create patronus.
While dementors are not something you can embrace, that's not the case with sadness.
To acknowledge it, accept, and embrace it, would be the best way to deal with it.
It's part of yourself, part of your emotion asking for your attention. It's a dialogue you're having with yourself, only in slightly different manner. There are dark clouds and thunder accompanying. But we need them from time to time, to calm us down when the sunshine gets too bright.
So don't run away cause it means no harm.
You can always preserve happiness and keep it in your heart forever. But it won't stop you from feeling a sadness when it comes knocking on your door. Let it in and sit silently in your living room. Let it do its job, to appear, and make itself known and noted. Give it a pat on the back, and sit with it until it's passed.
I've learned that when it has to end, it ends. It ends, and there's no guarantee that it will not come again. But while you're sitting with it, you can always visit the happiness that you have preserved in your heart. Or when it gets too heavy, you can always look around for signs of happiness.
It could be small things, like a cup of coffee in the morning, a smile from fellow commuters in the morning train, a happy song sang by street singers, or a sincere greetings from your colleagues in the office.
In my case, it was the morning sun I saw from my window couple of days ago, that reminded me that there will still always be things to appreciate, and reasons to smile, even the smallest smile, during your toughest times.
Kindly remember that, Self :)
Bintaro, 10.45 am